So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
