I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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