My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
