I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
