God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
