Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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