dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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