yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
