Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
