Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
