Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
