My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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