hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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