I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
