I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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