I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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