Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
