It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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