So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
