And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
