this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
