I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
