dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
