We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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