The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
