Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
