Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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