Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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