I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
