just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future†
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
J√§ger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.