so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."