I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.