you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...