They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.