someone threw a dead crab at me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
