My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
