Someone shit on the floor
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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