Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
