I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
As shirtless as possible
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
