States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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