I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
