he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
