Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
