Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
