someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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