Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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