i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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