OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
