like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
