Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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