I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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