The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
