I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize