if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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