walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
