Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i now understand why vodka
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
