new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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