It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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