There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My penis needs a shock collar
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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