I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
