I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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