Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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