you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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