i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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