girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
